5 years ago...

I should die. No one would care.

That's how I felt five years ago.

Sitting alone on my dorm's hard century-old carpet, I sat in a daze, wishing that my life would miraculously end. Choking on Depression's poisonous nectar, I wanted to end my journey of being lost. I have never been so depressed in my life. I was a sophomore in college, wanting to be happy as I worked towards the "American Dream" by graduating with my Bachelor's degree. I mean, I just wanted to be happy, but I had no idea how to do so. Some people thought I was just sad. Others thought I was PMSing. A few just thought I was so damn stuck-up. But that was not the case. At all.

Being sad is having the ability to turn on the light. Depression: Flipping the light switch on, but the light is broken. Now, you are trapped in darkness. Feeling inadequate. Chained down to the bitter-cold ground. Ha. That was me. It's funny how people never knew depressed I was. No one. Which made it worse.

Five years ago, I cried myself to sleep every single night. I inhaled misery. I exhaled wretchedness. Headaches. Heartaches. Twinge. Worriment. All wrapped around me.

Five years ago, I did not have any real goals for myself. My only goal was to try to stop skipping class every other day. Oh gosh. Looking back, I was a mess. But I do not have any regrets. Who I was then made me who I am today. It was truly the God in me that made me get off that dirty floor, pull myself together and start believing in what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to smile again. And I did. Didn't happen right away. But it didn't take forever.

Hmmm... Five years later...

Who would have thought that five years later, someone like you would be reading my blog this very second? Who would have known that five years later that I would be a blooming writer working on her first book? Who would have known that I would interview and have brunch with celebrities? Who would have know that in five years that I would fly out to Los Angeles and join a panel for a blogging conference? Who would have known that I would be dating one the most amazing men in the world whose kisses take my breath away?

Who would have known five years later that I would be on the phone right now with my best friend, Terrell, discussing how college is a scam? But hey, that's a whole other blog post.

Don't get me started, folks.

Tuh.

....but I do know this and I don't have to ever wonder anymore. Over the last five years, I have learned to never question my existence. ever. again. Questioning your existence is challenging God.

Breathe.

Ever just sit... and breathe?

If so, what goes through your mind?

As I drift away in deep meditation, I sail around the world in the rising, choppy waters of my curiosity.

My mind is always sizzling with thoughts of where I am going in my life. I desire so much. But is there is a such thing as to wanting too much? I wonder if God knows. Of course, He does, right? He knows the number of hairs on top of my head, therefore, I am confident in knowing that God is aware of my dreams and ambitions.

One of my biggest dreams is to become a successful, notable writer. I want to write bestselling novels and stories in various publications to inspire men and women to keep living their best life. Whether my reader is a child, a newlywed, a new mother, or a retiree, I want to stimulate the healing hearts of all.

We all suffer from the animating infestation of our fears and anticipated failures. Ultimately, we feel alienated by others. But with the grace of God, we carefully manage to overcome these jagged tumultuous boulders.

The fundamental key to reaching our goals is to know what's best for us. No one else knows best for us. They think they do. But they have no idea. And some people take joy in suffocating us with their own insecurities, unfair judgement and sour advice. Then we lose. No, not because of the enemies or friends (Trust me, some have demonic intentions). But because of ourselves. The worst enemy? Tuh. Look in the mirror.

I will admit it. I hardly give myself a chance. Sometimes, I hardly breathe.

While drowning in misery, my soul screams for the Lord and beg for his mercy and guidance because I so badly want to succeed in all that I do, especially as a writer. To master our fate, we must be able to understand the rewarding basics of maintaining a healthy relationship with our individuality, taking control over the frenzy around us, breathing and moving forward to get to where we want to go. Preventing our dreams from going stale.

Close your eyes. And just breathe.

...Alright, enough of that. Time to go work on my first book.

Peace.

Morning Reflection

Someone did not wake up this morning. But I did. And you, if you are reading this, so I highly advise that you thank Him.
Hmm.... I wonder why God chose me to wake up this morning.
Ever wonder why you were given a chance to breathe again? Walk again? Or even try to become a better person?
I feel very blessed to wake up on this beautiful Monday morning.
A young man or young woman woke up this morning, but not with their right mind. A child woke up hungry to rape or rob another innocent soul. An elder, rolling out the bed, thirsty for Death.
But I didn't.
Very blessed.
Thank you God.
Let's see how this day goes....

Sunday's Brunch

Sitting on the porch today with my boyfriend Reggie, the warm summer breeze's romance flirts with my soul.

Oh, how I love Sundays!

Laying in bed, I quietly wake up every Sunday morning, staring up at the ceiling. Time to get ready for church, I tell myself. Reggie and I attend church service at Hartford Memorial Baptist Church, one of Detroit's precious gems on the West side. And I must admit, I enjoy spending my Sundays with my boyfriend in our Father's house. Nothing beats the feeling of learning the Word of the Lord with the man of my dreams. But the best part: Walking out the church, feeling like a brand new person. Walking out refreshed and our minds right. And forever grateful.

Our Sundays boost us for the imminent adventures in the week ahead. Throughout the day, I personally enter a deep mediation, flushing out the negative and wrong-thinking that hammered through my brain during the previous week. Realizing that I made it through one week, I feel so blessed and inspired towards the upcoming week. I replace those thoughts of ambsace with the empowering words of joy, victory, peace, and happiness that I have lucubrated from the Reverend's efficacious sermons. Walking out the church, my mind, body and soul are recharged with the necessary tools to experience joy and satisfaction in the days of the upcoming week. Every week, I experience pain. Some blunders. Some absurdities. And unanswered prayers. BUT... every Sunday, I begin a new healing with the new hope-filled expectations of how I want to see God at work in my life. In other words, God is not done with me yet.

To some people, Sunday is simply another day. Interestingly, Sunday is very special to me because it is the one day when I choose to happily wander away from my hectic life. Like a child. But because I am a child of God, I regain the encouragement that I need and let go of childish ways. I'd rather be child-like, not child-ish.

Anyhoo, I must say, these past few Sundays and the weeks following them have gotten sweeter.

Life is so delicious. Take a bite.

Where do you stand on Faith, Beloved?

We need to stop taking God for granted.

Over the past few years, my faith has been tested. Greatly. Til the point where I almost veered away from God. Trampled by a colossus of events and extenuating circumstances, involving friends and family and God, my faith feels like a rugged quilt.

Flash Back: Crackling

May 14th, 2009. A week after walking across that stage, my life seems so cold and unbearable. I fight daily in the silent chambers of my fragile soul. I don't believe in myself at all. Think about it. All I have is a degree, anemic ambition and college debt. That's it. Returning to the D was not a smooth transition. Not only do I feel lynched by the idea of moving back home with my parents after 4 years of freedom, I gotta find myself all over again. Everything is moving beyond my control. Ugh! Might as well drag me to Hell! This is going to be a horrendous divorce from the person who I was a few days ago in LaLa Land aka Bowling Green. I want to be the lady I desire to be in my dreams. Right now, I just feel demoted in Detroit. A walking disappointment. Why, God?

Flash Forward: Shattered

June 12, 2009. But I just talked to him 3 weeks ago! My high school sweetheart, my first love, my friend, Kyle Hatcher passes away. I'm paralyzed. The moment I find out that he died at the hospital, I freeze. An angel flutters down and gently maneuver my vehicle to the side of the freeway because my eyes are closed and I cannot stop SCREAMING. A piece of me dies. My eyes are bloodshot. Ringing pounds in my ears. His death leaves me traumatized, dumbfounded and bitter. Yes, I am so mad at you, God. I am a true believer in Christ and my Heavenly Father.... But why would God let Kyle just die? How could God let him die? Was He there at his side? I keep asking myself this. Nothing but agonizing questions. Why Kyle, God?
Flash Forward: Shutting Down

August 27th, 2009: Searching for a job and wrestling with temptation to stir away from my career goals nestles in the void of my Faith. I am losing faith and interest in what God has planned for me. Every day, I apply and apply and send thousands of emails. My inbox, however, seems undisturbed. No calls. No emails. No answers. Feelings of rejection crawl all over me. Mounting feelings of being robbed every day from the plethora of opportunities that others are feasting upon. I am filled with guilt for dangerously second-guessing myself. My wounds bleeds with angst and uncertainty. Why me, God? Was college a waste of time?

Flash Forward: Picking up the pieces

January 17th, 2010. I receive a call from a nervous man whose brother is in the hospital. Dying. 3 days away from slipping away into a coma. If you don't know by now, my boyfriend Reggie is fighting a rare case of brain cancer. Doctors at Henry Ford Hospital discovered an abnormal tumor staring back at them in an MRI. They are pushing for surgery immediately. Once again, I feel my faith being tugged. Not again, Lord. Reggie is becoming my new friend, someone who I confided in. And I do not want to lose him at all. I don't even know him. But I know that I care deeply for him and fear losing him. Why Reggie, God? Why am I so upset? I don't even know this guy... Why are you doing this again, God? I can't take it anymore. I am weak. I am not strong.

Faith. Small word. Mountainous signification.

Flash Forward: Restored

July 30th, 2011. Truly blessed. I have a job, successfully working on my writing career, writing a book, and have the man of my dreams standing with me. God is so good! Every morning, I get out of bed, plop on my knees and softly whisper to God. Those years contained meticulous moments that were thickly disguised as harmonious stepping milestones in my life. And I am forever thankful for them. When I mull over my faith, I think about my relationship with God and how my trust grew so much in Him. Although I struggled heavily within the last few years, I was living in the luxury of learning more about myself. The elements of my faith in God has been shaken together into life-changing, regret-free decisions. I felt like a victim. Not realizing that I was the Victor. When you are weak, that is when you are the strongest. Faith is freedom. Freedom to move confidently into the future. Every challenge that I approached has made me who I am today. And encourages me to steer away from forfeiting the choice to live my life God has planned. I trust Him.

Faith is the first step.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step." Chinese Proverb

Still trying to take it all in... Le Rodeo Dr.

Talk about fabulousity! Yesterday, Noelle and I went to Rodeo Drive. And I must say, it was a blazing taste of Ecstasy. The clothes. The shoes. The jewels. The handbags. The sunglasses. The hair accessories. The houses. The cars. Everything was so enchanting. Even the surrounding houses in Beverly Hill was a tease. Gosh, I wanted to take out and swipe my fragile MasterCard and buy all the goodies I wanted. I am so sure that my blood pressure increased by 200 points. Yours would have too.

Blogging While Brown!

It just hit me. I am in LA!

Very first time in Los Angeles, California. On the plane, I sat in a daze. I have never thought that a young lady, like myself, from the D would ever come out to this beautiful city. On top of that, be a panelist at a conference to speak in front of other radiant writers/bloggers. No pressure, right? Ha!

I think about my writing stamina here and then. It is hard to maintain a blog while working a full time job. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy my duties as an Quality Analyst at OnStar and working at the General Motors Technical Center. Everyday as I pull up in the parking lot, I imagine a shiny Volt waiting for me, with a pretty pink bow. But this is a bittersweet rivalry. Part of me wants to soar through the corporate ladder. The other part wants to sit in coffee shops or hotel rooms and write about whatever may come across my mind and soul. Building castles in air. [chuckles]. Or tell some one's story who has been dying to tell. [Enter humongous sigh here]. Oh, life. Full of risks.

So, this is what following your dreams feels like, huh? Who would have thought that walking across that squeaky stage at Bowling Green State University would lead to a stupendous voyage. Three days after graduation, I was given the opportunity to intern for a magazine and work along the sides of editors for its sister publication, a prominent newspaper in the city of Detroit. And I still kept writing...

But all this started in the microscopic newsroom of my high school's newspaper. Totally Tammy Fun Fact: I didn't even want to write for the newspaper. I was a senior and already had a lot on my plate...(hint: Senioritis). But my journalism teacher who I love dearly to this very day, Ms. Kuznar, asked me to join the team. "We need you, Tammy." With her violet eyes puncturing my soul, I could not resist. I thought, "Eh, how bad could it be?" Ever since then, it became a roller coaster ride. With a Bachelors of Science in Journalism in one hand and a load of experience in the other, I must say that I enjoy writing. It ultimately leads me to my self-discovery. It's humbling. Now, I am able to define my infatuation with words here at the Blogging While Brown Conference.

By the way, I made it through the flight. Whew.