Struggling, but unstaggering faith.

Started the New Year with Psalm 71.

And it rocked my world. Whew.

Let me tell you, this was the perfect scripture to begin the new year with.

In my private place at home, I lit two candles and I sat with an anxious heart. Daily, as I meet with God, I close my eyes in prayer, hungry for His presence. Holding my Bible, I asked God to speak to me. In doing so, He guided me to Psalm 71. Random, I thought. But the Holy Spirit told me to be quiet and read. Reciting the words, I felt my heart get lighter as the monsters of doubt crawled away and the clutches of anxiety loosen.

In awe, I became smitten by the emotional verses.

Scrolling line by line slowly, the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart, reminding me that no matter what the situation is, no hardship or a single drop of adversity could ever deprive me from the favor and love of God.

Once I stopped reading, comfort seized me and my soul cheered. Blessed assurance.

Definitely ready for the new year ahead.

The Truth.

I just want to tell the truth.

And what I am writing may make the Devil mad. Anyhoo.

People think I have changed. And yes, I have! I've been changed. Our marriage has given me a new spiritual life, budding fresh fruit and newfangled changes. For years, I was lost in the maze of the enemy. Problems were just collapsing everywhere. Some felt enormous. Others were small. I felt my life decaying with self-esteem issues, jealousy, and the urges to please others! Frail and weak, I struggled to even wake up in the morning and speak to God. Even 2013 simply started off in the depths of Hell and the road through confusion and despair seemed so long.

I felt incredibly inadequate. But you better believe, God flipped those challenging days around, enriching my days with His mercy and salvation, sending me on a magical adventure with my handsome husband as his Queen. Because of our marriage, I have grown with inspiration and love, steadily wearing my crown. By studying the Word and praying together every single day, I am learning what it truly means to fully transform into a Proverbs 31 woman.

I am forever grateful to have God share His special gift, Mr. Reginald Johnson with me in this lifetime.

 

Bliss. 

Happy Anniversary Honey! You are a dream come true.

Pieces Pt. 1

Hi.
When you look at me, what do you see?
Sunshine and slopes of grace? Or gloom filled with foothills of mistakes?
The year 2013 was such a fanciful year for me and as it ends, I'd like to reflect on the good and the bad. And I will admit that 2013 did welcome several uninvited seasons where I felt forgotten, pitiless and broken. The Devil was after me, so I believed.
Reflecting over the year of 2013, I sit here and gather the smithereens and thorns of my shattered heart. Over the course of this year, I have been crushed by the lies of friends and family, pushed to the emotional edge numerous times, reeled through a tough engagement, allowed irrelevant opinions to feast upon my soul, lost fake friends who turned and walked away, was laid off after just getting married, stopped believing in my life’s purpose, and the list goes on and on. It hurt so much and the pain sometimes lingers on a bit. Life knocked me down to the point where I didn't want to even pray for myself.
But God...
But God didn’t allow me to lose my way. Through those trials, He got me through the pain and brought me over those mountains.
Can you say the same? I hope so. Keep holding on. I’m trying too.
Be blessed and restored.

that ugly girl.

It's over now. But stop. And listen. 

I don't know if I could ever...
forgive myself... that ugly girl...
for all the lousy torture I put myself through.

It's over now. But wait. Listen.

I felt so alone with agony from countless cloudy days. 
My best wasn't enough.
Blisters from envy rippled in my blood.
Immeasurable heart-aching pain from that ugly girl.
Self-doubt pestered my happiness.

It's over now. But still listen.

Sorrows from my brokenness devoured me.
Guilt ruptured my veins as I drowned in depression.
Shadows of self- hatred sabotaged my inspirations and goals.
No matter what I did, my sadness mastered my life.
I cried more than I prayed.
I laid in my bed rather than going to the altar to talk to Christ. And if I had the courage to talk to Him, I would beg Christ to pray for me- I didn't have the strength to pray for my own self.

Listen.

Within the last couple of months, I am learning that Forgiveness is bringing me closer to God. I've been fighting with that 'F' word for years. I will never know if I am at fault for my ongoing unhappiness. I can't blame Satan, right? I am the one who is responsible for my life. Right? By praying for forgiveness and studying the Word, I examined myself and I found that I was so distracted by my earthly make-up rather than my divine purpose. 

That ugly girl may never go away. Probably not. But I am starting to turn from her and forgive her. I can't say if I fully forgive her yet... I am working on it. Isn't it mind-boggling on how hard it is to forgive yourself?

But I declare: It's over now.

Well... The day has come!

One milestone done. CHECK!

Today’s is the big day! Today, Reggie and I bequeath to the world a little boy with a gigantic smile and two sparkly brown eyes. Simply, today is RJ’s first day of Kindergarten. Eek!

Countless unbridled emotions swallowed my brain as we prepared for this kiddo’s first day of school. We all woke up excited and ready for the new day. We talked about learning new things, making new friends and homework. This was just a B!G moment rippling inside of our home! Just a few months ago, tears were bubbling down my face as RJ walked across the stage, graduating from Pre-K. Now, just a few hours ago, I was helping RJ neatly pack his backpack with his fresh school supplies and snacks before he walked out the door to conquer his momentous day of starting Elementary school.

Ay yi yi!

Man, I miss being a kid. No real worries in the world. The only worry I had was making sure my mother bought the prettiest trapper keeper and hoping she polishes my nails for the first day of class. Looking at RJ made me realize that I am getting older and that we both are entering new paths- His path of growing independently into a man like his father (my dreamy husband) and my path of motherhood. I pray I will be blessed with plenty of ‘RJ’s first moments’. Just like his first day of Kindergarten, I plan to be there for RJ for his many First’s- when he wiggles out his first loose tooth, when he sits in his first car, when he gets ready for his first date and needs advice- PAUSE, let me be real... I am NOT ready for that. I never will be. Hehehe.

But anyhoo…

Quite frankly, I am proud of myself for not crying. Before he skipped out the front door, I gave RJ a kiss on the forehead and he told me that he loves me. Let me tell you, I seriously am not ready for RJ to grow up. But I know that he doesn’t have a choice and neither do I or his daddy.

I love my little RJ. I am so blessed to have RJ as my son.

Go get it, RJ! The world is waiting!

Malachi

"The devil is always sitting in my corner.”

Sweat drips down Malachi's face in his hour of darkness.

Why would God allow this to happen?

Why are these lies haunting his life, Malachi wonders.

The most beautiful woman in the world who gave him life is a victim of Hell.

And his track coach, the one man who he looks up to is the cause of it all.

Pray, my sweet Malachi, an angel says.

But Malachi doesn’t want to pray. Why should he? He feels like a greasy pot of flesh and sin. How could his mother look at him? How dare he speak to Coach?

As the raindrops collapse slowly unto his skin, Malachi runs to his best friend Chelsea's house. On the porch, they sit in silence as the trees sway with the breath of the wind. Both sitting still. Lost in the warm April night.

“Why am I here?” Malachi asks.
“Why are any of us here?”
“No. You are here because your parents were madly in love, married and welcomed you into a life of happiness.”
“Ok and.”
“Ok and mine weren’t. And this nasty secret was kept from me all my life.”
“Malachi.”
“No, Chelsea, please. Don’t sugar coat this for me. The thing is, I’ve always wondered what my roots were. And now I know. My roots are nothing but strings of murderous lies. And the fact that my mother kept me rips me apart inside.”
“She kept you because you are her blessing.”
“No, I am a living curse.”
“How are you a curse? I am so sure that you are the best thing that ever happened to your mother.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“You don’t want to believe that.”
“Chelsea, I am one of Satan‘s seeds. I don’t even know how my mother can even look at me.”
“Because you are her angel.”
“Yeah, her precious angel of death. I am her daily reminder of what Hell is. I am even afraid of myself.”

Placing her hand over his chest, Chelsea’s touch seemed to simmer down his racing heartbeats. Chelsea pulls her broken friend close to her, stretching her arms around him.

“No, my friend, you are your mother’s precious messenger of her deliverance. Let it be.”

To be continued...

Natural Roots. Straight Ends: In Search for My Curlfriends

As Labor Day sneaks upon us and our precious kiddies merrily return back to school, I will be officially entering my sixth month post-relaxer anniversary. That’s right. My hair hasn’t been chemically altered for the last 6 months. How am I feeling? Scared? Excited? More like, OBSESSED. I told you folks, I am so serious in continuing my long-term transition to le natural hair.

March 2013 was the last time I had a perm. Since then, family and friends are relentlessly asking me why I decided to go natural. Because I’m worn-out with relaxed hair. For years, I would lust after sparkly straight, long hair. To me, relaxed hair was beautiful, sexy hair. The moment I felt a kink or saw a millimeter of new growth, I felt insecure, uncomfortable, and would immediately make a hair appointment with disgust, especially during my high school years. I had a perm since I was 10 years old. Sixteen years later, I can’t say if I recall my natural curl. I don’t even think my mother remembers.

They say that by the fourth or fifth month, some women tend to itch for the creamy crack while others give in to the BC a.k.a.  The Big Chop. Since college, I cut my hair off 3 times, so I am really trying my hardest to avoid the BC. Plus, I desire the fun with the different styles like the Bantu knots and Braid-outs. I have done a lot of research and so many women have thrived with their luscious curls in their transition.

One thing for sure, I am not transitioning alone. My husband is a huge supporter of me going natural. Many of my girlfriends are natural and I am in love with their glossy, juicy curls. Their hair is so soft and fluffy. So much volume. So much character. So much flare. So much flavor!!!

Currently, I am wearing a protective style- the lovely sew-in. (My favorite is the faux bun!) I figured that I could allow my hair to relax with a weave. Plus, my new growth and straggly ends were starting a fist fight,so I decided it's definitely time to get a sew-in. Within the next few months, I plan to get twists and continue to let my tresses grow. By next summer, I plan to chop the rest of the perm off. But for now, I am going to continue to rock protective styles, get my ends clipped and continue with deep conditioning treatments. I understand that by religiously trimming the processed ends away, I am allowing my hair to grow healthier and avoiding redundant damage.

Throughout my invigorating journey in finding my Curlfriends, I am studying different oils, moisturizers, conditioners and shampoos and adopting a plethora of methods in adding more hydration and life to my surviving locks. I am disciplining myself harder in going easy on the heat and remember to take my time detangling my hair. More importantly, I am learning: I AM NOT MY HAIR.

My main goal is to have beautiful, healthy hair. Ever since I stopped getting perms, my hair has been growing like wild fire. And I absolutely love it. I am so mesmerized by my new hair growth and its texture. As far as my hair type, I have no idea. I just know that this raggedy permed hair ain’t me. A few weeks ago, before I got the sew-in installed, my stylist pressed out my hair and it was stronger, longer and way thicker. Talk about motivation!

So until then, I plan to enjoy my hair while transitioning! I’ll keep ya updated, darlings.