Thee Most Raaaaaandom Blog Post I Have Ever Written......I Think.

11 Random Things about Me.

1. I wanted to be married at age 27. God had a different plan and I am thankful. But I was close! Lol!

2. I am currently working on my second book, ‘Malachi.’ Stay tuned.

3. I absolutely hate shaving my legs. Like seriously.

4. I merely paid $366 for my wedding dress. And it was perfect. Just for me.

5. I have the wildest crush on Mariah Carey. No one will ever understand.

6. I am in love with Ice Mountain water. So tasty and refreshing.

7. I love pink nail polish. It’s demure, ladylike, and timeless. Other colors are fabulous. True. But classic pink polish is soft, elegant and trendy!

8. I am forever trying to find ways to sway my husband to get us a kitten. I mean, it would be a subtle cure to 'baby fever'.

9. I care too much for other people’s feelings. Trust, I am working on that.

10. I want to have twin girls. I know, I know, that’s social suicide.

11. I am madly in love with a man named Reginald. Oh wait, not so random, huh?

A New Wife

‘How does it feel to be married?’

Lately, this is the question that I get from coworkers, family and friends. ‘How does it feel to be a wife?’ ‘Do you feel any different?’ I will tell you this: it is an indescribable feeling- Too beautiful for words. And my perception on love has undeniably changed.

It is SO electrifying that Reginald is my husband. To come together to become one flesh blows my mind! Our marriage doesn’t just surround the idea that I stole his last name-hehehe! Our marriage is a living organism that is constantly evolving, morphing into something sensational! Overjoyed, we are on the journey in perfecting our marriage. With a nutritious blend of Agape love, Philia love, and Eros love, our marriage is a nourishing product of God's love.

My first few weeks as a married woman- Fascinating! My husband and I did not live together prior to tying the knot so it was very interesting to move in with each other. Still an adjustment. :D Newsflash: Marriage goes beyond the wedding day, shiny rings and living with each other. Anyone can shack up. Anyone can have a wedding. And anyone can purchase rings. Marriage is deeper than that. It’s where you must faithfully put your mind, body and soul into it. And I am learning that a wife utilizes her skills to help institute the embellishment of the home and the enhancement of her husband. More importantly, a wife reverences her husband. In other words, the wife SUBMITS herself to her husband, and I am still learning the necessity of submission in a marriage. God aint through with me yet folks.

Every morning, I gaze at my fine husband while he sleeps coolly like a baby as I dress for work. This is the man who I will help raise RJ with. This is the man who I will bear children with. This is the man who I will be with for the rest of my life. This is the man who promises to love me forever. Then he wakes up, smiling back at me. That smile motivates me to orientate myself to be a godly woman as his wife.

My man is not just my best friend. He is not just a cancer survivor. He is not just my soul mate. Reginald is my husband and I promise to build a strong marriage with him to last a lifetime.

The Chase

The enemy strikes again. But the blood of Jesus covers me.

Sitting on the patio in the backyard today, I find myself constantly staring into the sky. The clouds are gray, thick, looking as if they are glutted with rain. However, these gloomy blisters dare not burst. Sun worshippers are surely full with glee because the sun is shining dazzlingly out here, kissing my skin.

Man. Life loves to test me. Geeeeeeeeeez…….

I say this because…..last week was probably one of the unfavorable weeks of my life. A nightmare came true. I was smacked in the face and shoved in the pits of the Devil’s lair. Yet, for some reason, on this day, I can’t stop smiling.

Last week, I felt so discouraged, embarassed and beat-down. I was thrown off track. I kept asking, “Why did this happen to me?” I was in such a funk. But then the truth whispered into my ears. LIFE IS NOT FAIR. But deep down in my heart, I know that my God is fair.

And my mother drilled in my brain when I was a little girl that God promises His children that all things work together for good for those who loves Him. And if you haven’t noticed, (I don’t know how you wouldn’t) I love God so much. Yes, I make ungodly mistakes I am not proud of. There were times I set the cross down and spat out words that weren't holy. I have my share of ups and downs. I STRUGGLE. Who doesn’t? And yes, I still throw tantrums when life burns me with burdens. But in the end, God has always rescued me and He isn’t done with me.

After this past week, I could have lost my mind. You folks know I am the Stress Queen. (During the wedding planning crunch, a not-so-darling side of me emerged. Hahaha.) But you should know that God is my anchor. And I know this is a test of my Faith. Throughout my spiritual journey, I know that Jesus probably yelled at me numerous times. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU BELIEVE IN ME FOR? STOP WORRYING TAMARA." Therefore, I plan to hold on to my cross tightly and maintain my patience because I know that God has a plan for me. In fact, a few nights ago, I asked God for a sign of my purpose in life.  Well…..He answered. So, now, I am on a fresh journey and I know that it is worth my while baby. I can't go wrong.

Despite this cloudy day, the sun continues to shine lustrously and my spirit will do the same. Before anything else, I plan to pray through the pain as I chase Jesus.

Life is like the game Tag. Jesus chases us, pouring his love upon us. Well, right now, it is my turn to lace up and chase Him for I know He has a scrumptious blessing for me!

Oh the anticipation!

Trapped.

“Baby, you deserve to not live in fear.”

My fiance told me this last night.

I don't deserve to, huh? I don't. But I secretly live with Fear.

Since college, Fear has paralyzed my soul, trapping my mind in a pool of uneasiness.

Overpowered with trepidation, I typically find myself trying to please others, not living my life to the fullest. After praying last night, God instructed me to read the Book of 2 Corinthians for the month of May. While confessing my fears to Him, He comforted my soul with His words. The first few verses reminded me that God will deliver me from the many perils of Life. God did it before. And He will do it again.

God always graciously answers our prayers and if we pay attention, we will realize that God is embedded in all angles of our daily lives. This is why we must die daily and stopped relying on ourselves. I learned today that the only difference between today and tomorrow is our Faith.

But the more my Faith grows, the closer Fear haunts me, squeezing and tightening its grip around my life. It just won't let go. Why? God only knows why. Whatever the reason is, I find myself running to God more often than ever, shivering like a lost child. Of course, I am still searching for my strength in God so that I will rise victoriously.

"Pray hard. Live easy", they say.

I just wish it was that simple.

The C-Word

Cancer.

It's been a few months since I've regained the strength to type that word. Or wanted to blog about it.

Over the last few weeks, I've been thinking about the c-word and how it has affected my fiancé’s life as well as mine. Boy, I tell ya, it is not an amusing folk tale.

In and out of those riotous times, Reginald and I grew closer in spirit.

And I’ve learned so much more about my righteous buddy, Jesus.

I know that I can never EVER thank God enough for what He has done for my fiancé and me.

However, I don’t just want our story to end just there. I want to reach out to cancer patients, survivors as well as supporters who hold their hands. It’s an arduous task to be supportive of someone in the boxing match, fighting for their life against this grueling illness. I just want to dedicate my life to helping those whose lives were and still are affected by cancer.

I know I can't stop cancer or the tears of disbelief and pain. But I know I can help encourage a child, a mother, a teacher, a soul that cancer will never stop you from living your best life.

I wish cancer did not exist. I talk to God about cancer all the time. Every so often, I would blame cancer for some of the problems that Reggie and I wrestled within our relationship. But I know that this battle is not ours.

I want to remind warriors that cancer is neither a punishment nor a death sentence.

I also want to lend a hand to those sitting by the bedside of their beloved warriors as they go through chemotherapy which is such a bizarre weapon. It fights cancer so good that it can suck the life out of the person. I will never forget the day Reggie didn't even speak or look at me during his chemotherapy. I thought I lost him even when he was sitting right next to me, holding my hand. In my mind, he was million miles away locked inside a dungeon.

I remember those emotions. I want to thrash out those emotions with others who are tormented by those sore and achy feelings. I want to remind them that THERE IS LIFE AFTER CANCER.

Fancy degrees can’t save your life and sometimes dollar bills can’t do so either. Only God.

I want to remind warriors that life is about living the best life that God has given despite the circumstances.

The cancer may eat away the flesh, but never the beautiful spirit of Life.

So many of us have a misconception of what makes Life so beautiful. Blinded by materials. Even myself.

Luckily, my soul mate is here on earth as my daily reminder of what Life is.

What should I do? Any ideas?

I want to be an inspiration to others; my fiancé is mine.

I write this for my hero: Reginald. I love you Honey.

War

Why do I care so much?

I ask myself this question almost every day whenever I look in the mirror.

And this big-eyed, little girl stares back relentlessly, shrugging her shoulders indignantly. Her bitter lips loosen.

"I don't know."

Judged.

Handcuffed.

Blocked in.


Choking...

Suffocating....

Sorrow and Affliction slide inside my veins; pricking and attaching themselves to my heart.

Strangling me.

I, their prisoner.

Whenever Joy sneaks by, I beg her to make love to my heart, unfolding her nectarous sweetness, releasing my broken spirit.

So that I may forget Fear piercing through my flesh.

Scathingly, it chases me into the crooked corners of my deepest and darkest secrets.

Forcing me to shut out the world.

Somehow my heart's quiescent voice rings upon the ears of Jesus.

And He comes to find me, pulling me to shore from bondage.

My heart shivers from bleeding, yet He covers me in His blood.

He breathes unto me, bringing me closer to my destiny.

Every once in awhile, I fall inside the gaps of my wretchedness.
Yet, Jesus comes to save me again.
And again.

And again.


And again.

Because YOU won't rescue me.

"But I love you," You confess.

YOU may. But this battlefield is only big enough for my Savior and I.

This May SHOCK You But....

I am an angry, envious, egotistical bitch.

Whoa.

Where did that come from, huh?

The Truth.

During my journey of Life this year, I have been at war with myself. Trying to find Happiness. Instead, I find coils of fear and residue of self-hatred.

NO. No. no. I am not fighting depression. I fought that years ago.

And I am not going crazy.

PAUSE.

I am simply a human. With emotions. And sometimes I wish to tell my emotions to SHUT THE HELL UP. But it is easier said than done. Emotions are powerful, efficacious, and can place some one's lifeline in jeopardy. Due to emotions, many relationships are poisoned; others are ruptured. But imagine a world without emotions. Bland. Undistinctive. Tasteless. Dull as dishwater. Emotions add color to our lives, procreating flavor. Sometimes too devilishly delicious.

Over the last few weeks, I have fasted and prayed heavily with my Father. In doing so, God has told me several things that involve my emotions.

1. God says I try to please too many folks. I don't understand why I do. People don't have a Heaven or Hell to put me in, so why am I so caught up in trying to please them?

2. God says I need to love myself more. Working on it. That's all I can say.

3. God says I need to STOP wanting what others have and start wanting what God wants for me. I have to understand that my life is curving down a different pathway than many of my loved ones and friends.

4. God says I am so angry. I need to let it go.

5. God says He is forever faithful. What's my deal?

Don't get me wrong, I am in love with my life. I feel very blessed and favored. But when my emotions run loose, I start to feel confused and conquered.

Thank God for chocolate. But I also thank God for His Grace and Mercy. The flesh is always losing, but souls that sojourn with the Lord always win and bear His fruits with exceeding joy. And I am going to continue to keep my eyes on the prize.

Please don't judge me.