that ugly girl.

It's over now. But stop. And listen. 

I don't know if I could ever...
forgive myself... that ugly girl...
for all the lousy torture I put myself through.

It's over now. But wait. Listen.

I felt so alone with agony from countless cloudy days. 
My best wasn't enough.
Blisters from envy rippled in my blood.
Immeasurable heart-aching pain from that ugly girl.
Self-doubt pestered my happiness.

It's over now. But still listen.

Sorrows from my brokenness devoured me.
Guilt ruptured my veins as I drowned in depression.
Shadows of self- hatred sabotaged my inspirations and goals.
No matter what I did, my sadness mastered my life.
I cried more than I prayed.
I laid in my bed rather than going to the altar to talk to Christ. And if I had the courage to talk to Him, I would beg Christ to pray for me- I didn't have the strength to pray for my own self.

Listen.

Within the last couple of months, I am learning that Forgiveness is bringing me closer to God. I've been fighting with that 'F' word for years. I will never know if I am at fault for my ongoing unhappiness. I can't blame Satan, right? I am the one who is responsible for my life. Right? By praying for forgiveness and studying the Word, I examined myself and I found that I was so distracted by my earthly make-up rather than my divine purpose. 

That ugly girl may never go away. Probably not. But I am starting to turn from her and forgive her. I can't say if I fully forgive her yet... I am working on it. Isn't it mind-boggling on how hard it is to forgive yourself?

But I declare: It's over now.

Well... The day has come!

One milestone done. CHECK!

Today’s is the big day! Today, Reggie and I bequeath to the world a little boy with a gigantic smile and two sparkly brown eyes. Simply, today is RJ’s first day of Kindergarten. Eek!

Countless unbridled emotions swallowed my brain as we prepared for this kiddo’s first day of school. We all woke up excited and ready for the new day. We talked about learning new things, making new friends and homework. This was just a B!G moment rippling inside of our home! Just a few months ago, tears were bubbling down my face as RJ walked across the stage, graduating from Pre-K. Now, just a few hours ago, I was helping RJ neatly pack his backpack with his fresh school supplies and snacks before he walked out the door to conquer his momentous day of starting Elementary school.

Ay yi yi!

Man, I miss being a kid. No real worries in the world. The only worry I had was making sure my mother bought the prettiest trapper keeper and hoping she polishes my nails for the first day of class. Looking at RJ made me realize that I am getting older and that we both are entering new paths- His path of growing independently into a man like his father (my dreamy husband) and my path of motherhood. I pray I will be blessed with plenty of ‘RJ’s first moments’. Just like his first day of Kindergarten, I plan to be there for RJ for his many First’s- when he wiggles out his first loose tooth, when he sits in his first car, when he gets ready for his first date and needs advice- PAUSE, let me be real... I am NOT ready for that. I never will be. Hehehe.

But anyhoo…

Quite frankly, I am proud of myself for not crying. Before he skipped out the front door, I gave RJ a kiss on the forehead and he told me that he loves me. Let me tell you, I seriously am not ready for RJ to grow up. But I know that he doesn’t have a choice and neither do I or his daddy.

I love my little RJ. I am so blessed to have RJ as my son.

Go get it, RJ! The world is waiting!

Malachi

"The devil is always sitting in my corner.”

Sweat drips down Malachi's face in his hour of darkness.

Why would God allow this to happen?

Why are these lies haunting his life, Malachi wonders.

The most beautiful woman in the world who gave him life is a victim of Hell.

And his track coach, the one man who he looks up to is the cause of it all.

Pray, my sweet Malachi, an angel says.

But Malachi doesn’t want to pray. Why should he? He feels like a greasy pot of flesh and sin. How could his mother look at him? How dare he speak to Coach?

As the raindrops collapse slowly unto his skin, Malachi runs to his best friend Chelsea's house. On the porch, they sit in silence as the trees sway with the breath of the wind. Both sitting still. Lost in the warm April night.

“Why am I here?” Malachi asks.
“Why are any of us here?”
“No. You are here because your parents were madly in love, married and welcomed you into a life of happiness.”
“Ok and.”
“Ok and mine weren’t. And this nasty secret was kept from me all my life.”
“Malachi.”
“No, Chelsea, please. Don’t sugar coat this for me. The thing is, I’ve always wondered what my roots were. And now I know. My roots are nothing but strings of murderous lies. And the fact that my mother kept me rips me apart inside.”
“She kept you because you are her blessing.”
“No, I am a living curse.”
“How are you a curse? I am so sure that you are the best thing that ever happened to your mother.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“You don’t want to believe that.”
“Chelsea, I am one of Satan‘s seeds. I don’t even know how my mother can even look at me.”
“Because you are her angel.”
“Yeah, her precious angel of death. I am her daily reminder of what Hell is. I am even afraid of myself.”

Placing her hand over his chest, Chelsea’s touch seemed to simmer down his racing heartbeats. Chelsea pulls her broken friend close to her, stretching her arms around him.

“No, my friend, you are your mother’s precious messenger of her deliverance. Let it be.”

To be continued...

Natural Roots. Straight Ends: In Search for My Curlfriends

As Labor Day sneaks upon us and our precious kiddies merrily return back to school, I will be officially entering my sixth month post-relaxer anniversary. That’s right. My hair hasn’t been chemically altered for the last 6 months. How am I feeling? Scared? Excited? More like, OBSESSED. I told you folks, I am so serious in continuing my long-term transition to le natural hair.

March 2013 was the last time I had a perm. Since then, family and friends are relentlessly asking me why I decided to go natural. Because I’m worn-out with relaxed hair. For years, I would lust after sparkly straight, long hair. To me, relaxed hair was beautiful, sexy hair. The moment I felt a kink or saw a millimeter of new growth, I felt insecure, uncomfortable, and would immediately make a hair appointment with disgust, especially during my high school years. I had a perm since I was 10 years old. Sixteen years later, I can’t say if I recall my natural curl. I don’t even think my mother remembers.

They say that by the fourth or fifth month, some women tend to itch for the creamy crack while others give in to the BC a.k.a.  The Big Chop. Since college, I cut my hair off 3 times, so I am really trying my hardest to avoid the BC. Plus, I desire the fun with the different styles like the Bantu knots and Braid-outs. I have done a lot of research and so many women have thrived with their luscious curls in their transition.

One thing for sure, I am not transitioning alone. My husband is a huge supporter of me going natural. Many of my girlfriends are natural and I am in love with their glossy, juicy curls. Their hair is so soft and fluffy. So much volume. So much character. So much flare. So much flavor!!!

Currently, I am wearing a protective style- the lovely sew-in. (My favorite is the faux bun!) I figured that I could allow my hair to relax with a weave. Plus, my new growth and straggly ends were starting a fist fight,so I decided it's definitely time to get a sew-in. Within the next few months, I plan to get twists and continue to let my tresses grow. By next summer, I plan to chop the rest of the perm off. But for now, I am going to continue to rock protective styles, get my ends clipped and continue with deep conditioning treatments. I understand that by religiously trimming the processed ends away, I am allowing my hair to grow healthier and avoiding redundant damage.

Throughout my invigorating journey in finding my Curlfriends, I am studying different oils, moisturizers, conditioners and shampoos and adopting a plethora of methods in adding more hydration and life to my surviving locks. I am disciplining myself harder in going easy on the heat and remember to take my time detangling my hair. More importantly, I am learning: I AM NOT MY HAIR.

My main goal is to have beautiful, healthy hair. Ever since I stopped getting perms, my hair has been growing like wild fire. And I absolutely love it. I am so mesmerized by my new hair growth and its texture. As far as my hair type, I have no idea. I just know that this raggedy permed hair ain’t me. A few weeks ago, before I got the sew-in installed, my stylist pressed out my hair and it was stronger, longer and way thicker. Talk about motivation!

So until then, I plan to enjoy my hair while transitioning! I’ll keep ya updated, darlings.

Marriage: An itsy bitty fancy word for Teamwork!

“Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly
understood that they are on the same side.” ~ Zig Ziglar

As a newlywed, I am learning a great deal about the paradise of marriage with my husband, Reggie. One critical ingredient of this institution is teamwork. Without team spirit, marriage is bland and blemished. Healthy team spirit is fundamental in seasoning a God-designed marriage.  In the Holy Bible, Romans 12:10 states “Outdo one another in showing honor.” With team spirit, spouses should find numerous ways to bless each other and uplift one another with love and support.

Within the last few weeks as a newly married couple, our team spirit grew firmly. Four days after returning from our Honeymoon, I was choked up by the devastating news: Company lay-off. Now, let me refresh your memory, I can be the Queen of Worry. This crushing rejection fondled some of my nerves- It still does. However, instead of jumping off the deep-end into depression and desperation, Reggie and I fell to our knees and prayed to God that evening. Ever since that shocking day, I knew that I must maintain a steadfast mindset through this storm of losing my job. And my husband is with me every minute. We do everything as a team. We clean our beautiful house together.  We cook appetizing meals together. We do boring laundry together. We devise budget plans together. We are continuously helping each other with our goals. Most importantly, we uplift each other every single day. We even work as a team in listening to each other better. But I would say the best part of our team, we pray together.

AND THE DEVIL HASN’T BEEN SO NICE ABOUT IT. IN FACT, HE HATES THIS. From the beginning of our engagement, my husband and I had an inkling that the devil did not want us to marry and we experienced what I felt like was the devil’s ploy to smash our relationship to smithereens. BUT our story began with God and God is not finished with us! Therefore, our Heavenly Father led us down to the altar.

An author once stated, “When a couple is standing at the altar getting married, the devil has an assignment on that couple.”

Remaining prayerful and watchful, my husband and I come to Christ daily, pouring our hearts to Him daily, keeping our souls in the presence of the Lord. God expects us to come to Him every day because of His Faithfulness. He is so faithful to us; we ought to do the same. And Reggie and I do! We are a winning team and I definitely find ourselves talking more often and candidly about everything! I just absolutely love it!

Becoming shrewdly aware of what is essential in the convent of marriage, I know that teamwork keeps its alive. In order to successfully blend two lives together, a marriage must have that special element of commitment towards the team.  Without teamwork, a marriage can become stale and the communication between a husband and wife becomes polluted with defilement, making them weaklings in tackling arising problems and blinding them to resolutions. Ultimately, teamwork is constructed upon that sweet ol’ Agape love- That type of “I am never going to forsake my God and I will never leave you or forsake you in this marriage’ type of love. Teamwork leads to decisions that create stability of commitment in a marriage, especially in a fresh marriage such as ours.

Teamwork strengthens couples yet it leaves room for each spouse to preserve his or her individuality, guiding them to their dreams. By making joint decisions confidently, marriage can be fun, less stressful and enlightening! Teamwork should ensure that each spouse shares the same vision or morals and heads in the same direction. I am learning that in
good times and bad, we must remember that our spouses are always our partner and never our enemy. In union, there is strength. In union, there is an unbreakable bond. In union, the Devil will fail. In union, the loyalty will prevail.

Most importantly, husbands and wives make the best teams in the world! Reggie and I are a team for life!

Thee Most Raaaaaandom Blog Post I Have Ever Written......I Think.

11 Random Things about Me.

1. I wanted to be married at age 27. God had a different plan and I am thankful. But I was close! Lol!

2. I am currently working on my second book, ‘Malachi.’ Stay tuned.

3. I absolutely hate shaving my legs. Like seriously.

4. I merely paid $366 for my wedding dress. And it was perfect. Just for me.

5. I have the wildest crush on Mariah Carey. No one will ever understand.

6. I am in love with Ice Mountain water. So tasty and refreshing.

7. I love pink nail polish. It’s demure, ladylike, and timeless. Other colors are fabulous. True. But classic pink polish is soft, elegant and trendy!

8. I am forever trying to find ways to sway my husband to get us a kitten. I mean, it would be a subtle cure to 'baby fever'.

9. I care too much for other people’s feelings. Trust, I am working on that.

10. I want to have twin girls. I know, I know, that’s social suicide.

11. I am madly in love with a man named Reginald. Oh wait, not so random, huh?

A New Wife

‘How does it feel to be married?’

Lately, this is the question that I get from coworkers, family and friends. ‘How does it feel to be a wife?’ ‘Do you feel any different?’ I will tell you this: it is an indescribable feeling- Too beautiful for words. And my perception on love has undeniably changed.

It is SO electrifying that Reginald is my husband. To come together to become one flesh blows my mind! Our marriage doesn’t just surround the idea that I stole his last name-hehehe! Our marriage is a living organism that is constantly evolving, morphing into something sensational! Overjoyed, we are on the journey in perfecting our marriage. With a nutritious blend of Agape love, Philia love, and Eros love, our marriage is a nourishing product of God's love.

My first few weeks as a married woman- Fascinating! My husband and I did not live together prior to tying the knot so it was very interesting to move in with each other. Still an adjustment. :D Newsflash: Marriage goes beyond the wedding day, shiny rings and living with each other. Anyone can shack up. Anyone can have a wedding. And anyone can purchase rings. Marriage is deeper than that. It’s where you must faithfully put your mind, body and soul into it. And I am learning that a wife utilizes her skills to help institute the embellishment of the home and the enhancement of her husband. More importantly, a wife reverences her husband. In other words, the wife SUBMITS herself to her husband, and I am still learning the necessity of submission in a marriage. God aint through with me yet folks.

Every morning, I gaze at my fine husband while he sleeps coolly like a baby as I dress for work. This is the man who I will help raise RJ with. This is the man who I will bear children with. This is the man who I will be with for the rest of my life. This is the man who promises to love me forever. Then he wakes up, smiling back at me. That smile motivates me to orientate myself to be a godly woman as his wife.

My man is not just my best friend. He is not just a cancer survivor. He is not just my soul mate. Reginald is my husband and I promise to build a strong marriage with him to last a lifetime.