This May SHOCK You But....

I am an angry, envious, egotistical bitch.

Whoa.

Where did that come from, huh?

The Truth.

During my journey of Life this year, I have been at war with myself. Trying to find Happiness. Instead, I find coils of fear and residue of self-hatred.

NO. No. no. I am not fighting depression. I fought that years ago.

And I am not going crazy.

PAUSE.

I am simply a human. With emotions. And sometimes I wish to tell my emotions to SHUT THE HELL UP. But it is easier said than done. Emotions are powerful, efficacious, and can place some one's lifeline in jeopardy. Due to emotions, many relationships are poisoned; others are ruptured. But imagine a world without emotions. Bland. Undistinctive. Tasteless. Dull as dishwater. Emotions add color to our lives, procreating flavor. Sometimes too devilishly delicious.

Over the last few weeks, I have fasted and prayed heavily with my Father. In doing so, God has told me several things that involve my emotions.

1. God says I try to please too many folks. I don't understand why I do. People don't have a Heaven or Hell to put me in, so why am I so caught up in trying to please them?

2. God says I need to love myself more. Working on it. That's all I can say.

3. God says I need to STOP wanting what others have and start wanting what God wants for me. I have to understand that my life is curving down a different pathway than many of my loved ones and friends.

4. God says I am so angry. I need to let it go.

5. God says He is forever faithful. What's my deal?

Don't get me wrong, I am in love with my life. I feel very blessed and favored. But when my emotions run loose, I start to feel confused and conquered.

Thank God for chocolate. But I also thank God for His Grace and Mercy. The flesh is always losing, but souls that sojourn with the Lord always win and bear His fruits with exceeding joy. And I am going to continue to keep my eyes on the prize.

Please don't judge me.

27 things about me.

1. My name is Tamara Je t'aime Lawrence
2. I was born in Detroit, MI.
3. I never lived in Detroit.
4. But I love Detroit.
5. I lived in the same house since I was born.
6. For years, I wanted my parents to move.
7. Thank God, they didn't.
8. I love writing.
9. I will forever cherish ballet.
10. I am infatuated with cheesecake.
11. I have the world's fastest metabolism.
12. I used to hate my dark skin.
13. Now, I love my exotic skin.
14. And my fiance' is crazy about it.
15. I won "Best Smile" in high school.
16. I started wearing weave at age 16.
17. And I still wear it.
18. I cut my hair at age 18.
19. And I cut it again at age 20.
20. And again at age 24.
21. I think I will cut it again.
22. I am engaged to a very fine brotha named Reginald.
23. You think you know me.
24. But guess what, you don't.
25. I randomly thought of writing this list.
26. Don't ask me why.
27. But thank you for reading.