Sunday, July 31, 2011

Sunday's Brunch

Sitting on the porch today with my boyfriend Reggie, the warm summer breeze's romance flirts with my soul.

Oh, how I love Sundays!

Laying in bed, I quietly wake up every Sunday morning, staring up at the ceiling. Time to get ready for church, I tell myself. Reggie and I attend church service at Hartford Memorial Baptist Church, one of Detroit's precious gems on the West side. And I must admit, I enjoy spending my Sundays with my boyfriend in our Father's house. Nothing beats the feeling of learning the Word of the Lord with the man of my dreams. But the best part: Walking out the church, feeling like a brand new person. Walking out refreshed and our minds right. And forever grateful.

Our Sundays boost us for the imminent adventures in the week ahead. Throughout the day, I personally enter a deep mediation, flushing out the negative and wrong-thinking that hammered through my brain during the previous week. Realizing that I made it through one week, I feel so blessed and inspired towards the upcoming week. I replace those thoughts of ambsace with the empowering words of joy, victory, peace, and happiness that I have lucubrated from the Reverend's efficacious sermons. Walking out the church, my mind, body and soul are recharged with the necessary tools to experience joy and satisfaction in the days of the upcoming week. Every week, I experience pain. Some blunders. Some absurdities. And unanswered prayers. BUT... every Sunday, I begin a new healing with the new hope-filled expectations of how I want to see God at work in my life. In other words, God is not done with me yet.

To some people, Sunday is simply another day. Interestingly, Sunday is very special to me because it is the one day when I choose to happily wander away from my hectic life. Like a child. But because I am a child of God, I regain the encouragement that I need and let go of childish ways. I'd rather be child-like, not child-ish.

Anyhoo, I must say, these past few Sundays and the weeks following them have gotten sweeter.

Life is so delicious. Take a bite.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Where do you stand on Faith, Beloved?

We need to stop taking God for granted.

Over the past few years, my faith has been tested. Greatly. Til the point where I almost veered away from God. Trampled by a colossus of events and extenuating circumstances, involving friends and family and God, my faith feels like a rugged quilt.

Flash Back: Crackling

May 14th, 2009. A week after walking across that stage, my life seems so cold and unbearable. I fight daily in the silent chambers of my fragile soul. I don't believe in myself at all. Think about it. All I have is a degree, anemic ambition and college debt. That's it. Returning to the D was not a smooth transition. Not only do I feel lynched by the idea of moving back home with my parents after 4 years of freedom, I gotta find myself all over again. Everything is moving beyond my control. Ugh! Might as well drag me to Hell! This is going to be a horrendous divorce from the person who I was a few days ago in LaLa Land aka Bowling Green. I want to be the lady I desire to be in my dreams. Right now, I just feel demoted in Detroit. A walking disappointment. Why, God?

Flash Forward: Shattered

June 12, 2009. But I just talked to him 3 weeks ago! My high school sweetheart, my first love, my friend, Kyle Hatcher passes away. I'm paralyzed. The moment I find out that he died at the hospital, I freeze. An angel flutters down and gently maneuver my vehicle to the side of the freeway because my eyes are closed and I cannot stop SCREAMING. A piece of me dies. My eyes are bloodshot. Ringing pounds in my ears. His death leaves me traumatized, dumbfounded and bitter. Yes, I am so mad at you, God. I am a true believer in Christ and my Heavenly Father.... But why would God let Kyle just die? How could God let him die? Was He there at his side? I keep asking myself this. Nothing but agonizing questions. Why Kyle, God?
Flash Forward: Shutting Down

August 27th, 2009: Searching for a job and wrestling with temptation to stir away from my career goals nestles in the void of my Faith. I am losing faith and interest in what God has planned for me. Every day, I apply and apply and send thousands of emails. My inbox, however, seems undisturbed. No calls. No emails. No answers. Feelings of rejection crawl all over me. Mounting feelings of being robbed every day from the plethora of opportunities that others are feasting upon. I am filled with guilt for dangerously second-guessing myself. My wounds bleeds with angst and uncertainty. Why me, God? Was college a waste of time?

Flash Forward: Picking up the pieces

January 17th, 2010. I receive a call from a nervous man whose brother is in the hospital. Dying. 3 days away from slipping away into a coma. If you don't know by now, my boyfriend Reggie is fighting a rare case of brain cancer. Doctors at Henry Ford Hospital discovered an abnormal tumor staring back at them in an MRI. They are pushing for surgery immediately. Once again, I feel my faith being tugged. Not again, Lord. Reggie is becoming my new friend, someone who I confided in. And I do not want to lose him at all. I don't even know him. But I know that I care deeply for him and fear losing him. Why Reggie, God? Why am I so upset? I don't even know this guy... Why are you doing this again, God? I can't take it anymore. I am weak. I am not strong.

Faith. Small word. Mountainous signification.

Flash Forward: Restored

July 30th, 2011. Truly blessed. I have a job, successfully working on my writing career, writing a book, and have the man of my dreams standing with me. God is so good! Every morning, I get out of bed, plop on my knees and softly whisper to God. Those years contained meticulous moments that were thickly disguised as harmonious stepping milestones in my life. And I am forever thankful for them. When I mull over my faith, I think about my relationship with God and how my trust grew so much in Him. Although I struggled heavily within the last few years, I was living in the luxury of learning more about myself. The elements of my faith in God has been shaken together into life-changing, regret-free decisions. I felt like a victim. Not realizing that I was the Victor. When you are weak, that is when you are the strongest. Faith is freedom. Freedom to move confidently into the future. Every challenge that I approached has made me who I am today. And encourages me to steer away from forfeiting the choice to live my life God has planned. I trust Him.

Faith is the first step.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step." Chinese Proverb

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Still trying to take it all in... Le Rodeo Dr.

Talk about fabulousity! Yesterday, Noelle and I went to Rodeo Drive. And I must say, it was a blazing taste of Ecstasy. The clothes. The shoes. The jewels. The handbags. The sunglasses. The hair accessories. The houses. The cars. Everything was so enchanting. Even the surrounding houses in Beverly Hill was a tease. Gosh, I wanted to take out and swipe my fragile MasterCard and buy all the goodies I wanted. I am so sure that my blood pressure increased by 200 points. Yours would have too.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Blogging While Brown!

It just hit me. I am in LA!

Very first time in Los Angeles, California. On the plane, I sat in a daze. I have never thought that a young lady, like myself, from the D would ever come out to this beautiful city. On top of that, be a panelist at a conference to speak in front of other radiant writers/bloggers. No pressure, right? Ha!

I think about my writing stamina here and then. It is hard to maintain a blog while working a full time job. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy my duties as an Quality Analyst at OnStar and working at the General Motors Technical Center. Everyday as I pull up in the parking lot, I imagine a shiny Volt waiting for me, with a pretty pink bow. But this is a bittersweet rivalry. Part of me wants to soar through the corporate ladder. The other part wants to sit in coffee shops or hotel rooms and write about whatever may come across my mind and soul. Building castles in air. [chuckles]. Or tell some one's story who has been dying to tell. [Enter humongous sigh here]. Oh, life. Full of risks.

So, this is what following your dreams feels like, huh? Who would have thought that walking across that squeaky stage at Bowling Green State University would lead to a stupendous voyage. Three days after graduation, I was given the opportunity to intern for a magazine and work along the sides of editors for its sister publication, a prominent newspaper in the city of Detroit. And I still kept writing...

But all this started in the microscopic newsroom of my high school's newspaper. Totally Tammy Fun Fact: I didn't even want to write for the newspaper. I was a senior and already had a lot on my plate...(hint: Senioritis). But my journalism teacher who I love dearly to this very day, Ms. Kuznar, asked me to join the team. "We need you, Tammy." With her violet eyes puncturing my soul, I could not resist. I thought, "Eh, how bad could it be?" Ever since then, it became a roller coaster ride. With a Bachelors of Science in Journalism in one hand and a load of experience in the other, I must say that I enjoy writing. It ultimately leads me to my self-discovery. It's humbling. Now, I am able to define my infatuation with words here at the Blogging While Brown Conference.

By the way, I made it through the flight. Whew.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


So.... I will flying out to this place.


I will flying out from the D to LA early Thursday morning. I should be pretty excited, huh? I am... a little bit.

It has yet to hit me that, in less than 72 hours, I will be plotted on the edge of the west coast of the nation, speaking at a prominent conference. It will be amazing to stand amongst other thriving, hungry writers such as myself.

Not only I am honored to have been asked to participate as a panelist, I am pretty geeked to visit and catch up on life with one of my gorgeous sorority sister out there. Most of all, this is a chance for me to venture out and find a piece of me that I long for. My relaxation in Los Angeles will be a moment where I will manage to confound my true feelings of my love for writing. Maybe I will discover what has been missing, overlooked or hidden. Perhaps I will find self-relief and come back to Detroit as a refreshed, rejuvenated woman.

Imaginably, this trip will allow me to try to figure out what I really want to do with my life. Or this explosive experience may allow me to finally relax and enjoy life, dumping the bulk of my life's ironic aporia off my fragile shoulders. I love Detroit. But it will be nice to simply get away. And perhaps come back as a different woman.

But first, I must get through this crazy long flight. The last time I was on a plane, I cried. Like a big baby. Stay tuned.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Somebody loves me, baby.

And his name is God.
Every morning, I wake up with Him on my mind. Every breath I take, his love fills my nostrils, giving me energy to get out the bed and do something positive with my life.
Lately, a lot has been on my mind. My soul left in anguish. It is hard to find myself. But it is so much harder to keep myself. Most of all, it is excruciating pain to be happy with who I have found. You know what, I have realized that I am so hard on myself. I just do not understand why I am so hard on myself. It is kinda like the reality of never being happy with who I am.
I try to please so many people, it is ridiculous. I might as well get an award on how many people I try to please. My parents. My coworkers. My supervisor. My friends. My enemies. But what about that one person who I have known and had to deal with for all my life? Me.
But throughout all this, I know that God loves me and through His love, I am able to regain the confidence I need to find myself and be content. Without God's love, I am nothing.