Saturday, July 30, 2011

Where do you stand on Faith, Beloved?

We need to stop taking God for granted.

Over the past few years, my faith has been tested. Greatly. Til the point where I almost veered away from God. Trampled by a colossus of events and extenuating circumstances, involving friends and family and God, my faith feels like a rugged quilt.

Flash Back: Crackling

May 14th, 2009. A week after walking across that stage, my life seems so cold and unbearable. I fight daily in the silent chambers of my fragile soul. I don't believe in myself at all. Think about it. All I have is a degree, anemic ambition and college debt. That's it. Returning to the D was not a smooth transition. Not only do I feel lynched by the idea of moving back home with my parents after 4 years of freedom, I gotta find myself all over again. Everything is moving beyond my control. Ugh! Might as well drag me to Hell! This is going to be a horrendous divorce from the person who I was a few days ago in LaLa Land aka Bowling Green. I want to be the lady I desire to be in my dreams. Right now, I just feel demoted in Detroit. A walking disappointment. Why, God?

Flash Forward: Shattered

June 12, 2009. But I just talked to him 3 weeks ago! My high school sweetheart, my first love, my friend, Kyle Hatcher passes away. I'm paralyzed. The moment I find out that he died at the hospital, I freeze. An angel flutters down and gently maneuver my vehicle to the side of the freeway because my eyes are closed and I cannot stop SCREAMING. A piece of me dies. My eyes are bloodshot. Ringing pounds in my ears. His death leaves me traumatized, dumbfounded and bitter. Yes, I am so mad at you, God. I am a true believer in Christ and my Heavenly Father.... But why would God let Kyle just die? How could God let him die? Was He there at his side? I keep asking myself this. Nothing but agonizing questions. Why Kyle, God?
Flash Forward: Shutting Down

August 27th, 2009: Searching for a job and wrestling with temptation to stir away from my career goals nestles in the void of my Faith. I am losing faith and interest in what God has planned for me. Every day, I apply and apply and send thousands of emails. My inbox, however, seems undisturbed. No calls. No emails. No answers. Feelings of rejection crawl all over me. Mounting feelings of being robbed every day from the plethora of opportunities that others are feasting upon. I am filled with guilt for dangerously second-guessing myself. My wounds bleeds with angst and uncertainty. Why me, God? Was college a waste of time?

Flash Forward: Picking up the pieces

January 17th, 2010. I receive a call from a nervous man whose brother is in the hospital. Dying. 3 days away from slipping away into a coma. If you don't know by now, my boyfriend Reggie is fighting a rare case of brain cancer. Doctors at Henry Ford Hospital discovered an abnormal tumor staring back at them in an MRI. They are pushing for surgery immediately. Once again, I feel my faith being tugged. Not again, Lord. Reggie is becoming my new friend, someone who I confided in. And I do not want to lose him at all. I don't even know him. But I know that I care deeply for him and fear losing him. Why Reggie, God? Why am I so upset? I don't even know this guy... Why are you doing this again, God? I can't take it anymore. I am weak. I am not strong.

Faith. Small word. Mountainous signification.

Flash Forward: Restored

July 30th, 2011. Truly blessed. I have a job, successfully working on my writing career, writing a book, and have the man of my dreams standing with me. God is so good! Every morning, I get out of bed, plop on my knees and softly whisper to God. Those years contained meticulous moments that were thickly disguised as harmonious stepping milestones in my life. And I am forever thankful for them. When I mull over my faith, I think about my relationship with God and how my trust grew so much in Him. Although I struggled heavily within the last few years, I was living in the luxury of learning more about myself. The elements of my faith in God has been shaken together into life-changing, regret-free decisions. I felt like a victim. Not realizing that I was the Victor. When you are weak, that is when you are the strongest. Faith is freedom. Freedom to move confidently into the future. Every challenge that I approached has made me who I am today. And encourages me to steer away from forfeiting the choice to live my life God has planned. I trust Him.

Faith is the first step.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step." Chinese Proverb

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