In my ballet shoes, I was a princess. Inside the studio, the dance floor was my kingdom. The mirror was my love. The music was partner.
It's boggles my mind how so many little girls aren't living in this fanciful fairy tale anymore. It is terrifying to know that our little girls are raped out of their innocence. Stricken with fear. They no longer try to be little princesses. Instead, they want to be in music videos. The hot girl. Or even worse: They just don't have any goals in life. Understandingly, our little girls are lost.
Outside the dance room, I remember prancing in front of my mother's life-sized mirror, putting on her pearls, pretending to be a lady. Inside the dance room, I felt safe and happy. Free to be the princess I dreamed to be. Little girls nowadays are wearing jeans tighter than mine, swaying their non-existent hips to today's churlish beats on the radio. They dare not to be princesses. They want to be in the next music video.
Where are our ballerina girls?
How could we allow such a thing to happen? As a little girl, my mind was quiet, full of peace. And my heart was open, full of passion. As a ballerina, I was taught to embrace my body and appreciate its delicacy.
Ballet trained me to be the woman who I am today, Strong. Obedient. Persistent. Ambitious. Beautiful. In the dance mirror, I saw the power of my presence. My self-esteem was glowing and growing. Looking at our little girls today, their self-esteem hang upon the words of lying beasts. Our broken soldiers. Footling to our soon-to-be nubile ladies. Making them feel like losel slum.
Ballet didn't save my childhood. It just gave me something to look forward to as I grew up. It was enchanting. It taught me that there was something bigger out in the world and I had the capability of capturing it. The morphology of ballet essentially opened my eyes to catch the impossible.
We need to find our little girls, guide them back to their kingdom of innocence and help them believe that they too can capture their dreams. No matter how big they are. Most importantly, hold their hands and mold our little princesses into the Queens that they are destined to be.
I am struggling with a cold case of "grasshopper mentality."
Side effects: Prosaic. Weak. Loss of faith. Frail. Easily broken. Loss of high expectations. Feeling ordinary.
Pastor Joel Osteen says, "If you are always thinking about your defeat, failure, how weak you are, or how impossible your circumstances are, you will develop a 'grasshopper mentality'."
When you think of a grasshopper, what do you think of? A tiny green creature that is ready to be squished. A weak critter that roams the face of the earth. Helpless pest.
In my virgin years of writing and blogging, I was the grasshopper. Small. And just there. Even now, I sometimes to sulk, only finding myself going to bed, not feeling motivated. But as I continue to rediscover God in my soul searching, I am realizing that I need to stop focusing on my weaknesses and focus on Him. It is true: Embracing the walks of life with the "grasshopper mentality" belittles God. With that in mind, I am constantly reprogramming my mind on how big God is and what he has in store for me and my writing.
My writing is bigger than who I am. Your goals in your life are bigger than you are. By believing in yourself, you stray away from that so-called "grasshopper mentality." This is one of the very reasons why I am writing my first book. I absolutely love writing. I cherish life with words and I want to coddle my readers with my words. I am writing this book to prove to no one but God that I can do anything because He has placed the ability inside of me to do so. I know that I am not a cosmic accident who is just roaming around the world, hopping through life like a tiny grasshopper with broken dreams. I am an image of God and I am determine to continue to grow in His light and go after my dream of becoming an author. Reaching my full potential.
Breaking off the shackles of this mundane mentality means that I must truly believe what the Bible says about me.
No matter how big it is, a grasshopper is still a grasshopper. Unlike that grasshopper. I am a child of God and determined to reach my goals and be successful. God is just that big. And so are my dreams. And so will my accomplishments.
"If you are not beguiling by age twelve, forget it." Lucy (Charles Schulz) A large percentage of us are killers. Of our own dreams. With fear. But I set my weapon down every morning when I wake up and pray. In my talk with God, I envision another route to chase Her, my dream. She stands there in front of me, teasing me. I just have to figure out how to get to Her. How will you capture your dream today? How will you fulfill your aspiration today? My advice: Move fast. Andnever look back.
Queen, How do you welcome your day? What do you do when you rise out of bed? Do you sing? Do you dance? Do you pray? In the morning sun, I sneak a peek at you, Queen. Heartily desiring to relish your loving. What a taste that would be. But I'd rather feast upon your mind instead. Your dreams. Your passions. Your inclination. All are savory and tantalizing. Makes my mouth water. Your virtuous existence is a shade of Godly love. Love has no limits. No boundaries. No stipulations. Queen, relationships are simple. We are to love each other. Respect each other. But everything else seems to keep barging right in. Without invitation. But continue to hold on. As an acclaimed man, I live my life by integrity, morals and standards. I know my worth. I feel your worth. Do you know yours? Better yet, am I worthy of you, Queen? God instructs a man to find a woman who is equal to him. If he fails, he must brace for the forthcoming havoc ahead, oozing from the fires of demoniac angels from Hell. For a virulent man who is lost will lust after you, poisoning your virtue, fondling your worth. But a honorable man will love after, for and by you, Queen. When that man finds you, his Queen, he is kneeling before God.
...Je t' aime
Finding God is not easy. Am I questioning my faith? No.I am just rediscovering my relationship with Him. My life is changing in a different direction. I an lost in the noise. And I need Him more than ever. I certainly don't look at God the same way as I used to. I don't look at Him as I did during the years of my impertinent adolescence. At that time, I used to think that God watched all my moves and only blessed me when I obeyed and forgave me when I begged. But it has to be more to the picture. It's more than just obeying and memorizing a few scriptures in my fancy Bible; I must live Godly. But I get all caught up. Trying to please God. And not living through Him.
During my soul searching, I recognize God as a devouring spirit. Without any doubt, God is God and we are to never question Him. Ever. I am learning that my prayers are not just for whispering special favors. But to serve as esoteric reminders that I am connected to Him supernaturally. There is absolutely no excuse for the inability to feel God. He is the divine spirit of life. Each breath we take is a sprinkle of God's grace. Each heartbeat is the pulsation of God's mercy. Fundamentally, God is the animator of my life. And God is the connector between my body and soul.
He is thee spirit that constantly hugs me when I am disappointed or losing faith. The spirit that knocks me down, reminding me that it is only One that is in control. The spirit that blesses me with an abundance of fruit that nourishes my soul every single day. Overall, God is my Heavenly Father who is always holding out His hand for me to take. One day, I hope I am brazen enough to take His hand and hold on. Forever.
I am still searching for my understanding of God. What does God truly means to me? Those who seek, will find.
I wish friends and family would stop taking me for granted.
They scrutinize my presence as soft-spoken baby doll. But I'm not. I am a human being.
There are so many people who have so many misconceptions of me.
Do you really know me? I think not.
I wish friends and family would stop looking at me as a beauty queen and look at me as an individual who is trying to make a difference in the community. Stop looking at me as the lady who is just always smiling. Some days, I smile because I am happy. Other days, I smile because some of God's people need a smile. Don't you sometimes?
I wish friends would stop thinking that I am this, when I am that.
I wish family would stop lying to me. Aren't I worth the truth?
I wish friends would stop acting like they believe in me. I'd rather you be an unquestionable hater than a lover in disguise.
I wish family would stop being fake. Keep it real and walk out of my life. The door is to the left. It's open.
I wish friends would be filled with more humility than pretentiousness.
Sitting alone on my dorm's hard century-old carpet, I sat in a daze, wishing that my life would miraculously end. Choking on Depression's poisonous nectar, I wanted to end my journey of being lost. I have never been so depressed in my life. I was a sophomore in college, wanting to be happy as I worked towards the "American Dream" by graduating with my Bachelor's degree. I mean, I just wanted to be happy, but I had no idea how to do so. Some people thought I was just sad. Others thought I was PMSing. A few just thought I was so damn stuck-up. But that was not the case. At all.
Being sad is having the ability to turn on the light. Depression: Flipping the light switch on, but the light is broken. Now, you are trapped in darkness. Feeling inadequate. Chained down to the bitter-cold ground. Ha. That was me. It's funny how people never knew depressed I was. No one. Which made it worse.
Five years ago, I cried myself to sleep every single night. I inhaled misery. I exhaled wretchedness. Headaches. Heartaches. Twinge. Worriment. All wrapped around me.
Five years ago, I did not have any real goals for myself. My only goal was to try to stop skipping class every other day. Oh gosh. Looking back, I was a mess. But I do not have any regrets. Who I was then made me who I am today. It was truly the God in me that made me get off that dirty floor, pull myself together and start believing in what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to smile again. And I did. Didn't happen right away. But it didn't take forever.
Hmmm... Five years later...
Who would have thought that five years later, someone like you would be reading my blog this very second? Who would have known that five years later that I would be a blooming writer working on her first book? Who would have known that I would interview and have brunch with celebrities? Who would have know that in five years that I would fly out to Los Angeles and join a panel for a blogging conference? Who would have known that I would be dating one the most amazing men in the world whose kisses take my breath away?
Who would have known five years later that I would be on the phone right now with my best friend, Terrell, discussing how college is a scam? But hey, that's a whole other blog post.
Don't get me started, folks.
....but I do know this and I don't have to ever wonder anymore. Over the last five years, I have learned to never question my existence. ever. again. Questioning your existence is challenging God.
As I drift away in deep meditation, I sail around the world in the rising, choppy waters of my curiosity.
My mind is always sizzling with thoughts of where I am going in my life. I desire so much. But is there is a such thing as to wanting too much? I wonder if God knows. Of course, He does, right? He knows the number of hairs on top of my head, therefore, I am confident in knowing that God is aware of my dreams and ambitions.
One of my biggest dreams is to become a successful, notable writer. I want to write bestselling novels and stories in various publications to inspire men and women to keep living their best life. Whether my reader is a child, a newlywed, a new mother, or a retiree, I want to stimulate the healing hearts of all.
We all suffer from the animating infestation of our fears and anticipated failures. Ultimately, we feel alienated by others. But with the grace of God, we carefully manage to overcome these jagged tumultuous boulders.
The fundamental key to reaching our goals is to know what's best for us. No one else knows best for us. They think they do. But they have no idea. And some people take joy in suffocating us with their own insecurities, unfair judgement and sour advice. Then we lose. No, not because of the enemies or friends (Trust me, some have demonic intentions). But because of ourselves. The worst enemy? Tuh. Look in the mirror.
I will admit it. I hardly give myself a chance. Sometimes, I hardly breathe.
While drowning in misery, my soul screams for the Lord and beg for his mercy and guidance because I so badly want to succeed in all that I do, especially as a writer. To master our fate, we must be able to understand the rewarding basics of maintaining a healthy relationship with our individuality, taking control over the frenzy around us, breathing and moving forward to get to where we want to go. Preventing our dreams from going stale.
Close your eyes. And just breathe.
...Alright, enough of that. Time to go work on my first book.
Someone did not wake up this morning. But I did. And you, if you are reading this, so I highly advise that you thank Him. Hmm.... I wonder why God chose me to wake up this morning. Ever wonder why you were given a chance to breathe again? Walk again? Or even try to become a better person? I feel very blessed to wake up on this beautiful Monday morning. A young man or young woman woke up this morning, but not with their right mind. A child woke up hungry to rape or rob another innocent soul. An elder, rolling out the bed, thirsty for Death. But I didn't. Very blessed. Thank you God. Let's see how this day goes....