I should die. No one would care.
That's how I felt five years ago.
Sitting alone on my dorm's hard century-old carpet, I sat in a daze, wishing that my life would miraculously end. Choking on Depression's poisonous nectar, I wanted to end my journey of being lost. I have never been so depressed in my life. I was a sophomore in college, wanting to be happy as I worked towards the "American Dream" by graduating with my Bachelor's degree. I mean, I just wanted to be happy, but I had no idea how to do so. Some people thought I was just sad. Others thought I was PMSing. A few just thought I was so damn stuck-up. But that was not the case. At all.
Being sad is having the ability to turn on the light. Depression: Flipping the light switch on, but the light is broken. Now, you are trapped in darkness. Feeling inadequate. Chained down to the bitter-cold ground. Ha. That was me. It's funny how people never knew depressed I was. No one. Which made it worse.
Five years ago, I cried myself to sleep every single night. I inhaled misery. I exhaled wretchedness. Headaches. Heartaches. Twinge. Worriment. All wrapped around me.
Five years ago, I did not have any real goals for myself. My only goal was to try to stop skipping class every other day. Oh gosh. Looking back, I was a mess. But I do not have any regrets. Who I was then made me who I am today. It was truly the God in me that made me get off that dirty floor, pull myself together and start believing in what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to smile again. And I did. Didn't happen right away. But it didn't take forever.
Hmmm... Five years later...
Who would have thought that five years later, someone like you would be reading my blog this very second? Who would have known that five years later that I would be a blooming writer working on her first book? Who would have known that I would interview and have brunch with celebrities? Who would have know that in five years that I would fly out to Los Angeles and join a panel for a blogging conference? Who would have known that I would be dating one the most amazing men in the world whose kisses take my breath away?
Who would have known five years later that I would be on the phone right now with my best friend, Terrell, discussing how college is a scam? But hey, that's a whole other blog post.
Don't get me started, folks.
....but I do know this and I don't have to ever wonder anymore. Over the last five years, I have learned to never question my existence. ever. again. Questioning your existence is challenging God.