Monday, May 16, 2011

Struggling With Faith

Worrying is a disease. Killing us all every second.

Over this past weekend, I was stressed out. Over nothing, of course. Just worrying about things in my life that I have no control over. And my mind was paying the price.

During church service, the sensation of wanting to cry stung my eyes. I found myself, sitting next to my boyfriend, silently suffocating as my worries saddled me. Sitting pretty in the pew, ugly thoughts infested my brain. I have never screamed the Lord's name so LOUD... I actually looked around to see if the lady sitting next to me could hear my thoughts.

The stench of all my fears was strong. Why was I so emotional? What was I so worried about? Why do I have so many complaints? So many feelings of discontent.

As the pastor hollered in his sermon, I zoned out. While singing the hymns, the voice of my boyfriend singing slowly faded away as I stood there next to him like a zombie, as my soul searched for Jesus in His own house.

...I was losing a grip on my faith.

Do you know what that feels like? Let me tell ya, it feels like your blood circulation grows cold. It feels like your heart slows down. And it feels like your brain freezes. It feels like you are "blocked."

When it was time for prayer, I closed my eyes and cried. Every muscle fiber in my petite frame flinched, preventing me from crying like a newborn in that sanctuary.

Later on that day at church, I was reintroduced to a small word: faith. One should not tell God about her problems. She should tell her problems about her God.

In the end, faith can buoy us up and bring us to something greater and better than we ever imagine. Faith without action is dead. Faith is maintaining focus on God's divine power so that we can succeed and flourish. And I will. My God says so.

Faith has brought me through a lot of sticky situations. Faith saved me from an unhealthy relationship with myself as I fought depression. Faith saved my boyfriend's life as he and God fought against cancer. Faith kept me on the path to my dreams of being a writer. Essentially, Faith has brought me closer to my precious God.

But I still struggle with these "blocks". Don't you?

1 comment:

  1. I first want to say that I love your blog post Tammy. I read several of your post and I can relate to you and I feel the emotions through each one. I love how personal that you get with your writing and I appreciate you sharing that with us. It’s sad but some people would rather be someone else than show who they really are.
    In regards to this post, I know understand where you are coming from. I grew up being one religion and as a child it worked for me, but when as I got older I found that it wasn’t for me. I didn’t know what to do, but I didn’t feel connected to God so I took some time to figure it out. I went to church with a friend and through her church I found that relationship I was seeking with God.
    Like you said it’s about faith. I didn’t know what religion I was searching but God brought me to a place where he can have a connection with me. He called me closer to him and I’ve learned more about him and he has shown me where he wants me to go.
    Great post! Thank you for sharing this with me and I will be back.