Saturday, November 9, 2013

that ugly girl.

It's over now. But stop. And listen. 

I don't know if I could ever...
forgive myself... that ugly girl...
for all the lousy torture I put myself through.

It's over now. But wait. Listen.

I felt so alone with agony from countless cloudy days. 
My best wasn't enough.
Blisters from envy rippled in my blood.
Immeasurable heart-aching pain from that ugly girl.
Self-doubt pestered my happiness.

It's over now. But still listen.

Sorrows from my brokenness devoured me.
Guilt ruptured my veins as I drowned in depression.
Shadows of self- hatred sabotaged my inspirations and goals.
No matter what I did, my sadness mastered my life.
I cried more than I prayed.
I laid in my bed rather than going to the altar to talk to Christ. And if I had the courage to talk to Him, I would beg Christ to pray for me- I didn't have the strength to pray for my own self.


Within the last couple of months, I am learning that Forgiveness is bringing me closer to God. I've been fighting with that 'F' word for years. I will never know if I am at fault for my ongoing unhappiness. I can't blame Satan, right? I am the one who is responsible for my life. Right? By praying for forgiveness and studying the Word, I examined myself and I found that I was so distracted by my earthly make-up rather than my divine purpose. 

That ugly girl may never go away. Probably not. But I am starting to turn from her and forgive her. I can't say if I fully forgive her yet... I am working on it. Isn't it mind-boggling on how hard it is to forgive yourself?

But I declare: It's over now.

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