Sweet Nothings

I am thee most impatient person I have ever known to live on the face on this earth.Why can't I just be patient? It is extremely hard for me to sit still and be patient. Like a fidgeting child. Just a mess. Or maybe I am just too ambitious? No. No. I am just impatient. This restless desire to change gives my soul hives. I will never understand how I became this way. I just need to taste and relish the moments I am blessed with now. Because how many more moments will I get? Did I mention I worry a lot too?

Folks tell me all the time: Be patient. What exactly is patience? How can I keep her? I constantly pray for patience. But she always slipping out from between my fingers. My life is revolving and sometimes these twists and turns squeeze her out. But patience always sneaks back in. Man.

Patience is comprised of seeds of baby soft sweet nothings. Just precious; exporting remarkable energy through the veins of human life. (sigh) I will still follow the path of patience, the path of this incredible beauty. But...I'm sorry, sometimes I just can't wait. And that's when I stomp my foot, pout and feel condemned as a failure. Thank goodness for chocolate and my relationship with God. I may not always be patient. But He has patience for me. They say wait on the Lord. Good thing He waits on us too.

Gee wiz.

Separation

What am I doing with my life?
Do we ever know what we are doing with our lives?
Sometimes I feel like I am separated from myself.
Other times I feel as if I am separated from others.
Absent-minded.
But never from God.
Within the last few months, especially while writing my first book, I have never felt so close to God. I am trying to write just like Him. Waking up every morning, I dedicate a few minutes to the Lord and just lay there, talking to God. A few minutes talking. A few minutes listening. Meditation.
And by doing so, I feel reconnected with myself and others.
I love talking to God. Most of all, I love that God loves talking to me. Prayerfully, through his words of guidance, I will continue to live my life with an increasing spiritual voltage. According to my pastor, life is essentially good, because the God who created all life and being is totally, thoroughly, and unfailingly good.
Regardless on how I feel on each day, I know that I am not here for nothing. I am adventurously living to conjoin with the person God wants me to be. I just have to keep beating this sense of separation, because Sin is separation from one's true self. With that, I fight the feelings of isolation and learn how to be truly happy.
Life is what you make it. And because God made me, life is pretty good, I must say.
The challenges of life nowadays are greater.
But my God is bigger.

Flaws

Who will love me when I die? Better question.
Who will love me now?
Always giving my heart to everyone; I proudly walk around, foolishly thinking they'd do the same for me. Instead, they snatch away.
I always try to be the best for them. But I always fail.
Full of snickers, they nonchalantly ignore my silent cries, biting juicily into my flaws.
I am not perfect. And neither are they. But they don't know that. I dare not tell them that. Who am I to judge? So I hide.
Screams fill my tearful prayers, God listens and sends his kisses, his blessings; tiny reminders that He will always love me, flaws and all, whether you do or not. All I can do is be me.

Whispers

He softly whispers, "I love you."
She loses breath.
Apparitions from his sirenic words whistle through the night; phathoms escorting her to the land of no return.
Trapped.
Her blood slowly coils.
Flustered.
She pace herself to get away.
Scared.
Her lungs fill with panic.
Questions escape her muddled mind; arising from her broken but mending heart.
What if?
Should she?

Dear Cancer

Dear Cancer,

Thank you.

You have taught Honey and I so much. You crawled through his flesh, but lost direction. You crushed vessels in his brain, but not many. You bullied your way into our minds, but never made it to our hearts. Together, my boyfriend and I follow our heroic Guiding Light. Together, we pray. Together, we live endlessly. You frightened us. But didn't dare depress. You tried to spook us. But we were brave. Through the darkest night, Reggie survived. You teach that life does not flourish through the flesh, but through the spirit. Cancer, I just thought I tell you how I feel, but it doesn't matter; you are shrinking away. Doctors haven't seen you in a year. The Honey is doing so swell. Him and God are fighting together. And I am standing right besides him, never letting go of his hand. Quite frankly, Reggie is living his BEST life now. With or without you.

Living by faith,

Tammy J
P.S. Our God is stronger than you. And always will be.

Dear God Part 1

I am constantly picking up the pieces to my life.

As months impatiently pass by, the more pieces I find and try to figure out where to shove in my puzzling life. But sometimes I feel like I am clinching to the wrong pieces. As a young woman, I am constantly learning who I am, disentangling through the webs of confusion to find my true self. It is not inviting nor easy to continuously re-learn not to sweat the small stuff. But to embrace the big stuff. Sometimes it's a wearisome to construe life's riddles. Oh God. Will I ever "get" life? Am I supposed to? 

My heart asks.