Monday, December 5, 2011

First Kiss

"Hahaha, silly goose!"
I haven't laughed for days. And this feels so good. I feel like I've been sitting in the ICU forever. But it has only been seventeen minutes. And traces of those unsettling emotions snuck away. I quickly rewound our conversation in my head. Charles and I simply love talking to each other. About everything. And anything. But all my mind can think of is the tumor. What if the doctors can't remove the tumor? What if the tumor is cancerous? Why Charles? Why him, God? What if his brother didn't call me? What if I never came down to the hospital? Everything was fine until this happened.
"Well, I guess, it's time for us to head back to my car. Visiting hours end in like three minutes." I try to say as breezily as I could to get my mind off the tumor.
"I wish you could stay with me."
I look at Charles. He looks so mellow and quiet. No anxiety. Our conversation rattles me, leaving curiosity of my nightmares coming true. Will Charles die? I tally up all the reasons why I should stay a few more minutes. But I need to go get my car. Thank goodness D came with me, so I don't have to be alone heading home in the rain. I command myself that I need to let this sick man get his rest, even though my first instinct is to stay with him for the rest of the night. So he knows that someone is here for him. In case, he gets scared. I just don't want to leave him alone.
My heart is thudding again. I wonder what Charles is thinking. Or is he thinking at all?
"I wish I could, but be strong. I will be here after your surgery. I promise."
"Yes, good."
"Look, it's snowing."
I turn in my seat and look out the window and watch gentle snowflakes fall from the weary skies gracefully. I pray to God that His angels are coming to watch Charles, enfolding their silent wings around him through this dark night.
Standing up from chair, I stretch and put my coat back on, ignoring the knots of fear twisting in my heart. I slowly walk up to his bed and pull the white covers over him like a child. As I button up my pea coat, I lean down, so closely that I could smell his dewy skin. I softly plant a kiss on his forehead where the tumor hides. Lifting my head up, I gaze into the warmest brown eyes I have ever seen in my entire life. I miss looking into those eyes. His eyes feast upon mine. Words scramble through the maze inside my brain. I just don't know what more to say before I leave him. No words could come out. Feelings of pain, fear, melancholy, and anticipation are disappearing. I feel nothing, but peace. I can't pull away. The frustrating noises of the hospital then vanishes and leaves us behind. Our faces tilt towards each other very slowly. Nose to nose. His top lip grazes my bottom lip. Our lips parting, touching. We both hold perfectly still, listening to ourselves breathing together.
This is it.
Seconds that blissfully lead to the inevitable, the unthinkable, the first magical kiss of many.
Mesmerized, I roll away from the side of Charles' bed with a smile.
Everything will be alright.
Time to go.